Cheap Eats - Meaty mama

Call me a burger whore. I could forgo chocolate for a year, and maybe even take a pass on bacon for a season. But when it comes to wrapping my mouth around a huge, steaming, juice-dripping slab of beef ... uh, patty, that is ... I’ll never say no.

Between us girls: Knowing well my addiction to all things beefy and patty, my friend Jennifer urged me to not let another week pass without a visit to U.S. Cafe Express. Although she’s a CIA-trained chef and about as nimble in the kitchen as Ginger Rogers on the dancefloor, she admitted to frequently finding herself seated at one of the cafe’s patent-leather booths, enraptured with a burger and onion rings. “I’ve been trying to eat better,” she tells me. “I’ll be driving home to make grilled chicken and a salad when I find myself veering into the parking lot. Next thing I know, I’m making out with a SuperBurger in the corner booth.” Now that I’ve been three times, I can feel her pain.

Happy Days are here again: From its run-of-the-mill strip mall location next to SaveRite, you’d never guess U.S. Cafe Express would be kitted out in full retro regalia. Sparkly cream and red patent chairs accompany etal-edged diner tables with tops decorated in a scribbly pattern. Advertisements from the ’50s sock-hop era adorn the walls. You half expect the Fonz to swing out from behind the counter.

Daily grind: Beef for the burgers is ground fresh daily and slapped into plump, indulgent patties. The super bacon cheese burger ($4.99) is almost too much for me to handle. A definite double-fister, the burger is sweet with smoky char from the grill. Lettuce, tomatoes, onions and pickles are piled underneath the patty to catch the drippings. Hefty enough to stand up to the strapping beef, the buttered, griddled bun adds another dimension of crunch and softness. Onion rings ($1.95) are frozen foodservice, but they’re light, ungreasy and golden all the same. Save yourself the calories and skip the fries ($1.29). They’re frozen crinkle-cut and the only thing exceptional about them is their dusting of sugar and kosher salt.

Turkey lurkey: When your waistline pays the price for your food obsessions, switch to the 97 percent fat-free turkey burger ($3.39). “Eeeeeew!” you burger purists might squeal. I know, the very thought conjures images of a cottony, dry puck that brings out the worst notes of turkey flavor. But this burger, served on a whole-wheat bun and with a surprisingly intense meaty flavor, is what has garnered U.S. Cafe its small cult following. You won’t miss the beef, I promise.cynthia.wong@creativeloafing.com