Food Feature: Bienvido a Miami

Miami’s South Beach is a haven for gay men, Euro-trash tourists and fashion model wannabes. In town for a wedding, my wife and I reserved a room at the Tudor, one of the many “art deco” hotels on Collins Avenue.

“Art Deco” is a cottage industry in South Beach. Nearly every storefront or hotel facade is framed with pink, electric blue or lime green neon, and nearly every business features the words “art deco” in its name or marketing materials. While loading up on cigars at Deco Drive Cigar Company, I joked with the proprietor: “Who’s this Art Deco guy? Looks like he’s got his hand in every business in South Beach!” Heh heh. My comment drifted over his head like a plume of cigar smoke.

The Tudor was clean and moderately priced. That said, I found service to be insulting and the staff to be woefully indifferent. I am not a high-maintenance tourist, but when I pay $100 a night for a hotel room, I expect a wastebasket in the room, a remote for the TV, and a working telephone (none of which were available upon check-in). When I asked the woman at the front desk to remedy the situation, she looked at me as if I were speaking Chinese.

The Tudor abuts the home of the late fashion mogul Gianni Versace. The Versace Mansion, which sits directly east on Ocean Drive, was also the site of the Italian designer’s murder in 1997. The mansion’s front steps have become a macabre tourist stop. Smiling tourists stand arm in arm as shutters click and digital cameras hum. I felt no need to record the moment. The back of my mind still holds a clear CNN aerial shot of the bloodstained steps and walkway framed in yellow police crime scene tape. Passing the scene on the way to breakfast tempered my appetite.

Be forewarned. Dining and drinking in South Beach can be expensive. Because of the number of Europeans (who traditionally do not tip) visiting the area, bar and restaurant owners take the liberty of including a 15-17 percent “service charge” on the tab.

Because of this, the level of service is profoundly lacking. And why not? Servers do not have to “earn” their tips. The food was noticeably nondescript. Most eateries offer the requisite seafood items (shrimp, mahi-mahi, ceviche). You’d think there would be Cuban sandwich shops on every corner, but it’s just not so. Most of the dining experiences available seemed to run the gambit from upscale fusion to hotel coffee shop fare, and most menus are on the pricey side.

Ditto the drinking establishments. I scurried into South Beach Stone Crabs, a chi-chi eatery on Lincoln, to avoid an afternoon deluge, only to be soaked by the drink prices ($4.50 for a Bud longneck and $12 for a shot of Patron Anejo tequila!). I’m not much for fancy-schmancy drinks, but I developed a taste for a refreshing elixir called the Mojito. The Mojito consists of mashed (fresh) lime and mint, sugar and white rum; served over ice in a highball, and topped off with a splash of soda water.

Mojitos are potent and refreshing, and they’re also expensive. I paid anywhere from $7.50 at Van Dyke’s Cafe on Lincoln (be advised that Van Dyke’s makes a “quick” mojito, eschewing the mortar and pestle mashing of mint and lime, in favor of a pre-mixed sour mix concoction) to $12 at the swanky Tides Hotel Terrace Restaurant.

Mojito aficionados should stop by the Tides to sample one of Lilly’s Mojitos. Lilly is a Cuban ex-pat who, according to my wife (a Mojito expert by the end of our stay), makes the best Mojito in South Beach. Lilly’s secret: a drop of bitters.

South Beach also has a thriving retail hub in the Washington Avenue area — a block west of Collins. The area is rich with thrift stores, vintage clothing haberdasheries, boutiques and even a weekend flea market. The Saturday afternoon sidewalk demographic includes everyone from wealthy tourists and locals to thrift-store savvy “MTV’s Real World-types,” and down-and-out hustlers. The latter group doesn’t do much shopping, preferring instead to hang out on corners and under grocery store awnings.

On a Saturday afternoon stroll, I hit the mother lode of authentic Hawaiian “aloha” shirts at a used clothing joint called Recycled Blues. Their supply is ample and their prices affordable at $8-$20 a shirt.

A left turn at the intersection of Lincoln and Washington provides a pedestrian-friendly promenade, which is lined with numerous cafes, art galleries and shops. The entire area offers an eclectic mix of mom-and-pop businesses and national retail chains.

And finally, despite all of the talk of the area’s wild nightlife, club scene, retail and restaurant offerings, and diverse demographics, South Beach actually has a beach! In addition to the fashion models, Cuban ex-pats, gays and out-of-town tourists, sunworshippers and a modest “surfer” element also call South Beach home. And after enough South Beach wandering, it was time for me to head home as well.??